Well I can't seem to sleep now and perhaps sharing how I feel might help me put myself to ease for once on another sleepless night. Been having those for quite a long time now and its not college life or nervousness for once or something I feel guilty for either. I guess I'm jealous of those who can form relationships where others like myself can't even do that or have to struggle... I don't exactly have an appearence of a godly like man or some sort of prince charming ,but what I do have is a heart and a mind that cares. What is wrong with that? Well no one wants a guy with those standards any more this is the 21st century after all where appearence overules and those who are damn picky have to be super unrealistic about specifying what kind of mate meets her standards or not. This whole journal entry has nothing to do with any past relationships I have had nor does it go after anyone either. Its just me trying to find peace with the fact I can't find anyone who would truly love me for how I am and what I live for in life. I guess one of my very personal goals in life is to find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. As far as I'm concerned its almost imposssible because of all the rift raft and dilly dally of this damned society we all live in.

Perhaps its because I refuse to change myself for someone. At that point I'd assume I'd be fooling myself and everything I strived for up in till now would all have been for not. It really does suck to be a guy you know especailly one that is consious of his inner workings. Wow how scary that I have emotions where others only think with there flippin dick and thats it. Not saying thats what all guys stand for either because I have met others who have my background specs or have different beliefs from the norms of society. It's just that ugly notion that I find so dissapointing. Is that how I will be veiwed by any other female I meet? As the creepy guy who has these sick perverted notions or will I be viewed as this fat monster whom no one whats to get to know because my appearence is appauling or perhaps I am a joke and thats all I am to anyone. A big fat joke for anyone to look at. Yes laugh at the clown. HAHAHAHAHA!

This really sucks... I shouldn't be talking like this at all... Whom am I to speck. No one wants a man such as myself. Its plain and simple this century shows no promise for my thinking ,but truelly offers for others the benefits without question. I am a dying breed after all because were getting more and more mongrel behaved men then gentlemen after all. Perhaps its time for me to go quietly and be alone for the remainder of my years no matter how much this pain in my heart throbs for the notion that there is someone out there for me... I bet at the age 50 is when I'd find that person... Hopeless thinking...